11 Small Things You Can Do to Become A Better Listener
Being a good listener is hard.
It is not really a skill we learn as children. It is mostly something we learn through experience (or therapy), and even then, it is a constant choice that we have to make in our social situations. It is easy to misstep, because the transition is big, but fortunately, it is one that you can take step by step.
Over time, these small efforts will add up.
1: Be present
Being a good listener requires you to focus on the person talking.
Otherwise, you might be hearing them without really listening to them. Therefore, it is important that you move your attention toward what the other person is communicating, and that you abstain from making plans inside your head about what your own insightful or comedic response should be. It is also crucial that you ignore common distractions (like notifications) and things happening around you.
If you want to become a better listener, you have to actually listen.
2: Put away your phone
The unhealthiest decision you can make in a social situation is to switch between your present conversation and the one(s) on your phone.
Modern communication tools make it possible for a conversation to happen in bits and pieces: a single message might get a response several hours later, and the conversation can remain good and uninterrupted even if your own answer comes a week after that. However, conversations in real life require a consistent exchange of responses. If you truly want to listen, you need to pay attention to the actual conversation you are having, rather than keeping up with the ones waiting (without a time limit) on your phone.
In other words, keep to one conversation at a time.
3: Choose not to interrupt
It is rude to interrupt.
Unless whatever you want to say will save the other person from a life-threatening situation, there is no reason to put a break on what they are currently saying in order to push forth your own response. It only signals that you think that your own thoughts and feelings are more important to get across than theirs. And though this might occur naturally in comedic banter, it can also become an unhealthy pattern that just shows how inattentive and uninterested you are as a listener.
Instead of interrupting, therefore, listen fully and wait for your turn.
4: Pay attention to the details
Listening is not just about understanding the bigger picture of a matter, but also about noting the things that a lesser listener would forget or neglect.
When someone remembers a fairly inconsequential detail from a past interaction with us, we feel special. It means something to us that someone has chosen to cherish a small piece of information that we have shared, as if they care to know us as intimately as we know ourselves. The true benefit in noticing certain details is not that you get to give amazing compliments or gifts; it is that you are learning to pay closer attention.
Because when you focus, you notice things that most others would miss.
5: Ask questions
In certain ways, listening involves you to respond too.
Perhaps the best (and kindest) way you can respond to someone else’s words with your own, is to ask them a question (as long as its purpose is to learn and not to accuse). For one, questions show that you are interested in what the other person is sharing. In addition, it shows that you are willing to understand beyond what you already know, and that you want to get a more accurate picture of what it is that they are saying.
Most importantly, it shows that you are ready to listen even more.
6: Try to understand
It is impossible to listen well without also seeking to understand.
Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) is adamant on the principle of trying to understand the other person first, and only later to be understood yourself. You cannot really expect someone to understand you if you do not seek to understand them first. Furthermore, understanding is imperative in any healthy relationship: you need to be willing to see the other person’s perspective in order to react constructively.
Without understanding, there is only misunderstanding.
7: Repeat what they said
Sometimes, it might be wise to repeat what the other person has said, in your own words, before you proceed any further with your conversation.
This practice has a two-fold purpose. For one, you get to place yourself in their shoes to access their point of view from a more personal standpoint. And two, you allow the person to comment and make adjustments on your account of their words, to clear up any sources of miscommunication.
Practice makes perfect, and repetition more than most.
8: Make it about them
When you are listening to someone, the focus should be on them.
Regardless of the rationality or your agreement of what it is that they are saying, theirs is always a valid (and valuable) insight or opinion. Therefore, it does not matter (at least not until you have finished covering their side of the argument/conversation) what your own perspective on the matter is. As long as they are sharing theirs, it is about them, and it is your responsibility to listen and learn and take their observations (or even criticisms) to heart.
If you want to make it about you later, you better make it about them first.
9: Choose not to give advice
Advice is the lowest form of empathy.
Such were the words of my therapist when I mentioned how upset people would get when I gave them helpful advice. What these words mean, is that advice — unlike empathy — places the focus on the listener rather than the person relating their experiences. It makes to change the behavior of the person with the problem, rather than giving them a chance to share their story without being judged.
Like interruptions, advice-giving hinders the listener from committing to understand the perspective as it is, because it focuses on what needs to be.
10: Notice their emotions
Most communication is non-verbal.
Tone, body language, and facial expressions all shape the interpretation that a listener has of the speaker’s message. By taking notice of what they are conveying non-verbally (and often subconsciously), you enrichen your understanding of their experiences. You also become more sympathetic: you might be able to respond more constructively to their concerns if you are able to look at things from their perspective.
After all, emotions might be the most unifying language we have.
11: Be honest
In order to listen better, you need to be a good conversation partner.
That means that when you comment on another person’s concerns, you need to be entirely honest with them. It is vital that you choose not to lie or manipulate or twist yourself from the uncomfortable truth. Be honest with them, as you would want them to be honest with you.
Honesty creates trust.
And when someone trusts you, they seek more often to tell you their truths.
