3 Questions to Ask Yourself During A Conflict
Conflicts are tiresome (and, oftentimes, unhelpful).
Simple disagreements quickly turn into arguments. Soon, negative thoughts and feelings about the person who is opposing you distract you from resolving the core problem — and your time and energy is wasted on ruminating about it instead. However, this does not have to be the case.
You need only ask yourself three questions, and act accordingly.
The questions were developed by Beth Kempton, author of Wabi Sabi: Japanese Wisdom for A Perfectly Imperfect Life, who, among other topics, has written about creating healthier ways to communicate within our social relationships. I have combined/confirmed this information with my own teachings from therapy, and based on experience, I have found that these tools work wonderfully.
Question 1: What are my underlying feelings?
Deeper emotions often hide beneath expressions of other, more digestible feelings.
Therefore, Beth Kempton first advices you to consider what you are truly feeling in the moment (for example, loneliness, shame, or fear), as these emotions tend to be the actual source of whatever reaction you are having against the other person (for instance, an anger outburst). Knowing what you are feeling unlocks the truth of what it is that is actually wrong. You might express hostility toward the other person out of anger, but the real issue might be that they did something that deeply hurt you, betrayed your trust in them, or reminded you of a difficult past experience.
It is important to notice and acknowledge these feelings. They will not go away (and will only cause further trouble) until you listen to what they are trying to tell you about the current situation. Then, and only then, can you make the right decision to act calmly and constructively to solve the issue.
Thus, ask yourself first, What is it that I am really feeling here?
Question 2: What are each of our perspectives?
Conflicts require compromise, and compromise requires understanding.
For that reason, the second question is about looking into each perspective that the conflict involves. Whatever it is that is causing such disagreement, it stems from a difference in perception — that is, your opinions about what is true and false, and what is right and wrong. Only by pinpointing these viewpoints, which are the source of your disagreements, can you find the best solutions needed to adapt to each other (and avoid unnecessary future conflicts regarding the same topic).
As Stephen Covey explains in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by trying to understand someone else from their vantage point (by listening and asking them questions), they will, in turn, become more invested in understanding you. And this is key: no conflict is ever truly resolved before all the underlying perceptions/actions that have caused the problem have been identified and (if necessary) altered. Otherwise, the issue will just continue to flourish, untended and neglected.
So, ask next, Why are we responding so differently to the same situation?
Question 3: What should I communicate — and how?
Before you communicate your stance, you should be aware of two things.
One, what is it that you want to say? Here, Kempton encourages you to be aware of the reason you are wanting to say a specific thing (for instance, is the thing you feel like saying intended to help you “win the argument”?) In the end, you should choose to communicate what works for the benefit of the interaction and the relationship as a whole (like informing the other of your own experiences/perspective on the matter with the intention of nurturing trust and closeness).
Two, how should you say it? There are many ways to say the same thing (“You are always so rude” is more accusatory and manipulative than saying “I felt embarrassed when you told me to fix my hair”). Think about how to communicate your truth in a constructive and helpful manner, in a way that improves upon the current situation for the better of the long run.
Finally, therefore, ask yourself, What and how should I communicate?
In the end, know your truth, know their truth, and communicate well.
