6 Unhealthy Social Habits You Should Quit During Your Conversations
Social habits can hurt you as much as personal habits can.
Sure, never eating greens, skipping workout sessions, and sleeping at odd hours can be detrimental to your personal health. But perpetuating certain patterns of social behavior can also deeply harm you. Even more than that, it can end up harming others, too.
Whether at meetups with friends, at dinner parties with family, or at the workplace with your colleagues, these are the habits you should stay clear of when you find yourself mid-conversation.
1: Talking behind people’s backs
Venting your frustrations or ridicules about another is not uncommon.
As Yuval Noah Harari writes in Sapiens, gossip (sharing your thoughts and feelings about a currently absent person in a social setting) is a cornerstone of human networks and societies. However, there is a difference between harmless gossip and harmful gossip. When you think about it, the only noble reason there is to talk behind someone’s back is to share your feelings about their misconducts or actual flaws with someone else.
I have a simple rule to discern whether a case of talking negatively about someone is genuine criticism or just a way to talk behind their back:
- Does it regard something that they have done that is immoral or wrong (like being a neglectful partner, hurting you, or using harmful words)? This is genuine criticism, and it can have a remedying effect on the people involved (including the absent wrongdoer).
- Does it regard something that they have done that is, in truth, harmless (like being vegan, having blue hair, or being an energetic person)? This is talking behind someone’s back, and it is never helpful to anyone because it upholds a sense of unneeded negativity between people.
Essentially, the difference boils down to whether you wish to perpetuate the cycle of harmful social behavior (by badmouthing others) or end it (by sharing your concerns with someone else in a constructive manner).
2: Complaining about other people
Complaints often have some merit, but they are rarely necessary.
If someone was rude to you at the store, or if someone delivered their papers to your desk an hour later than you agreed, you have a genuine reason to feel upset. Still, while complaining may feel good in the moment (to release tensions in the company of a safe social environment), it rarely goes anywhere besides giving power to your negative feelings — and, thus, making similar situations down the road all the more tiresome to bear. Based on my own extensive experiences in therapy (and Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), it is better to simply acknowledge the tensions that arise within you from someone’s misconduct, and identify a constructive way to go about it to actually improve your circumstances.
Because complaining (and listening to it) can become rather tiresome.
3: Feigning friendliness
It is a common social norm to feign affection toward the people you meet.
Whether that means pretending to be someone’s friend and later talking behind their back, or using heart emojis and compliments as empty words just to be polite, pretend kindness creates a culture that cares more about upholding custom than exhibiting true empathy. I am not saying that you should be unfriendly (that would certainly not help), nor am I saying that you should stop saying things like “Thank you” and “I love your hair”. I am simply advising you to be aware of your actual motives for doing or saying a specific thing, and to be genuinely kind toward others in ways that will matter more deeply to them than certain customary actions.
You should always be friendly (even when you don’t feel like it), but be so from a genuine desire to grow as a person, not just to follow social norms.
4: Interrupting others
You cannot be a good listener if you also interrupt people mid-sentence.
When you interrupt someone, you implicitly tell them that what you have to say is more important than what they have to say, since you are choosing to say it immediately and not when it is your turn. Now, some interruptions are generally harmless (like when you interrupt someone to alert them of the car coming their way, to finish their sentence during an inside joke, or to say things like “No way” or “I see” to show them that you are listening). However, most interruptions are blatant disregards of the other person’s time and room to share what is on their mind, as it places a heavier emphasis on you than on them.
If you were listening, and you cared, you would not be speaking over them.
5: Making it all about you
Conversations are give and take — and these exchanges should be equal.
Yes, some of us naturally have a higher need or desire to talk, and others find more pleasure in leaning back and listening. Besides, when someone shares their own experiences or opinions with you, it is natural and often a source of empathy to respond with stories and thoughts of your own, even if they lend little reflection to what the other person has said. However, if the conversation turns from good-natured camaraderie to some kind of ploy to get sole attention, the conversation can quickly turn one-sided.
In other words, lend not only words of your own, but also a listening ear.
6: Being on your phone
During conversations, phones are mostly sources of distraction.
As Beth Kempton writes in Wabi Sabi: Japanese Wisdom for A Perfectly Imperfect Life, pulling out your phone removes your focus from the present situation. In my mind, if you are currently with another person, going on your phone is like suddenly putting up your hand and silencing them. I like to illustrate it a second way, too: If you are already having a conversation with another person, there is often little actual reason to then go and chat with someone else on the side.
I have a rule that indicates whether you should check your phone during a conversation, or leave it be (and it is based on the Eisenhower Matrix):
- Is it urgent to the extent that it actually cannot wait (example: you need to stay updated on when your spouse’s plane lands, or when your bus is leaving)? Go ahead.
- Is it important, in the sense that (A) it genuinely matters more than the current conversation (example: your kid is sick at home, and you want to make sure they are okay) or (B) it genuinely matters to the current conversation (example: you want to show your friend a picture of your newborn child)? Go ahead.
Otherwise, going on your phone is like an interruption in its own right.
And as we know, it might be best to interrupt that habit before it festers.
