7 Lessons I Learned in Group Therapy
I attended group therapy for almost two years.
Once a week, we were seven strangers and two therapists who met to talk and listen. During this time, I became privy to some of the innermost thoughts, feelings, and experiences of completely ordinary people. Group therapy was a wonderful experience that taught me truths about life that I still carry with me.
These are the lessons I will never forget.
The therapists and members of my therapy group have consented to the publishing of this article. You must also know that some of these lessons took me more than a year to internalize. Do not hesitate to do the same.
1: We are more similar than we think
As much as we flaunt our differences, we humans have a lot in common.
We have quite similar, or comparable, reactions to things like failure, isolation, and success. Time and time again in our sessions as a group, we would discover just how many of our thoughts, feelings, and struggles were shared. However different our lives were, we could always find certain commonalities.
To quote a famous slogan: Inside we’re all the same.
2: All struggles are valid
Comparison always hurts our self-esteem.
Many of us choose not to voice our concerns because other people’s struggles seem more severe and valid than our own. However, there is no such thing as a “mild” struggle. And besides, comparing our own pain and tears with everyone else’s is a pointless way of approaching personal and interpersonal emotional healing.
So, if something is painful, it is worth talking about, regardless of the content.
3: You are not your thoughts
Feelings and thoughts are separate from identity.
Identity is enduring, whereas even the most persistent thoughts and feelings are fleeting. It is what we do in life — not what we think in the moment — that determines who we are as a person. The ugliest of feelings and scariest of thoughts cannot change that underlying sense of “me”.
In the end, we are not our thoughts. We are just ourselves.
4: Empathy is more useful than advice
We must never give unsolicited advice.
Advice is meant to signal closeness, support, and trust. But when it has not been asked for, it communicates the opposite: that whatever concerns the speaker has, the logical solution of the listener is more important. It removes the intimacy of emotional sharing and replaces it with the immediacy of “correct action”.
People that share their stories want empathy — not some quick-fix band aid.
5: Difficult questions are the most important ones to ask
Questions are meant to find answers.
And the most important answers to find in life are the ones that come from difficult questions. These are the ones that challenge us — ones that allow us to leave a therapy session with a different understanding of ourselves and our world than the one we had walking in. This, asking those difficult questions, is how we uncomplicate complicated matters.
Essentially, we must look within to understand the outside.
6: Communication is the key to understanding
Without proper communication, we cannot truly understand another person.
Miscommunication is the source of misunderstandings, and communication is the antidote to this. It means listening fully and patiently and responding with insight of our own. It is through this practice that each of us in the group managed to feel understood, and where the complexity behind our issues was unraveled.
Besides, what is therapy if not a practice built on healthy communication?
7: You are not alone
People think they are alone in hurting.
I thought so too.
Every week, I would cry so hard I would crumple to the floor, and I would be convinced that I was the only one who was experiencing such intense fear, grief, or shame. But every time I showed up to a new session, I would come to learn just how hopeless and alone the others had felt too. Turns out that I was not the only one hurting — and going to group therapy was the best way to learn this fact.
After all, there were nine chairs in that room, not just one.
