8 Takeaways from Therapy
From a decade of experience in various therapy settings, these are some of the most central takeaways that I have garnered that also apply to all of us.
I have combined these takeaways with reflections/lessons from elsewhere in life. The content connected to point number 1, 3, and 6 were particularly inspired by Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
1: Excuses merely hold you back
You can always find a reason not to change a specific aspect of your life.
Sometimes, this is a legitimate reason (for example, socioeconomic struggles). But when you have the means to improve your personal or interpersonal behaviors, all your “resistance” boils down to the excuses that you create for yourself. You make these roadblocks to avoid taking accountability and committing to a change that demands your time and effort, like becoming a kinder human being or a more diligent student.
In the end, you are the only one holding yourself back.
2: It is your responsibility to become better
You can go to therapy for years without truly healing.
This is because it is your responsibility to learn from your time with your therapist, to take their lessons to heart, and to put these to practice in your life. As distressing as it may sound, your therapist is not there to “fix” you. They are there to listen and help, and you are there to learn and grow.
After all, you cannot actively improve from their services if you remain a passive recipient.
3: You are in control of your actions
Actions (active) are not reactions (passive).
Tempers rise, stress overwhelms, and jealous thoughts intrude upon you — but in the end, you can weather these storms by focusing on what you are truly able to control: your behavior. Consider it: if you were subject to your thoughts and emotions, you would be unable to improve as a human being, let alone as a patient in therapy. So, no, you cannot control your moment-to-moment reactions (like your thoughts, emotions, and bodily responses) any more than you can control your heartbeats or the color of your eyes.
But you can control what you do, and that is what matters.
4: You are not your thoughts/emotions
However distressing the contents of your thoughts and emotions may be, they are not within your control to fully overpower or change.
Like prejudices and intrusive thoughts, they can only be improved if you acknowledge them (even the ugly ones) and react appropriately. Let them show you what they want (for instance, your jealousy wants you to yell at your friend), but choose to make these feelings known with unharmful words and actions that actually solves the issue at hand. You will only be defined by your thoughts/emotions if you let them control you (either by making you behave counterproductively or by being suppressed by you).
It is your ability to behave in correct ways that marks you as a person.
5: Advice may hurt rather than help
Unsolicited advice is always unwarranted.
Unless they ask you to, your mission should not be to fix the situation of the person you are talking to. Your mission is to understand, and for that, you need to listen more than you talk. Otherwise, you will just be focusing on your own perspective (what you think needs to be done in this situation) rather than theirs (what is currently happening) — which is ironic, because the conversation should be about them, not you.
As a therapist of mine once referenced as a quote to explain this to me, “advice is the lowest form of empathy”.
6: Honest communication is the solution
Most (if not all) problems may be solved with constructive communication.
If you have a problem with another person, and you want to solve it, you should talk to them about it. The solution is not to talk behind their back, or throw passive-aggressive remarks their way, or ignore the issue and suffer in silence. The better alternative is to just be direct about it and see where that takes you — either way, if it bothers you to such a degree (and if it is safe for you to do so), it will be better to let it out than to let it simmer.
Give the situation a chance to change for the better, and it very well might.
7: Personal introspection is key
Self-awareness is vital if you want to be good to yourself and others.
By being aware of your flaws (and how you tend to think, feel, and behave), you may learn how you can grow. By knowing the true motives behind your actions, you may be able to make decisions that are good and productive at their core. By analyzing yourself honestly, you may understand where you are and where you might go from there.
To be introspective is to live truthfully rather than in denial and harm.
8: You always have room to grow
You are never truly done growing.
There is always room for more introspection. There is always room for more to learn. There is always room for more to do and improve upon.
It is what makes you imperfect, but it is also what makes you a better person in the end.
