How I Transform Regret into Growth
Regret used to hold me back.
It forced me to acknowledge my worst mistakes: things I had done that went against my deepest values. It made me feel too weak and ashamed to even try and do better — which, naturally, only caused me even more regret. I let this simple emotion overpower me, until I realized that it was pushing back the progress I wanted to make in my life.
Thus, I devised a method, and regret came to push me forward instead.
Step 0: Start small
Personal growth always starts with a single step in the right direction.
If you feel powerless in the face of regret, or like it keeps you tethered to a shameful past rather than steering you toward a hopeful future, you have to start small and simple. For that reason, I recommend that you focus on one regret at a time, to slowly and steadily get you into the rhythm of personal development. Preferably, you would allocate time to do this on a weekly basis (anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes), either on Mondays or Sundays.
So, bring out whatever it is that you prefer journaling in, and let us begin.
Step 1: Identify your most significant regret
Since you are fixing only one regret each week, you need to make it count.
Your task is to select your most significant regret from the week that was. This does not have to be your strongest or most shameful regret: it should just be the one that matters most to you and your future. Think about what your biggest goals currently are, and what actions of yours from the past week have provided the biggest roadblocks for these goals.
You should pose a new one each week to cover various facets of your life.
Step 2: Find a simple solution
Next, you must offer a solution to this regret.
The amazing thing about regrets is that they tell you not just what you should not have done, but also what you should have done instead. Now, helpful as these alternative actions might be, they are often difficult to do anything about. (For instance, if you regret having a fight with your friend, it might be too high and unreasonable of an expectation to say, “I am never going to have a disagreement with my friend again!”)
Instead, I urge you to find a solution that is fairly simple: it should force you to move beyond your comfort zone but should also make the transition between your current state and your desired state less jarring. The solution should also be specific, so that there will be no doubt about what exactly it is that needs to be done differently. (Based on the case above, an example solution would be to “not interrupt my friend when she is speaking, and choose to listen instead.”)
Furthermore, most of the solutions you make for yourself should be generally applicable and not specific to circumstance. You should be able to work on yourself regardless of the particulars of your situation. (Thus, instead of deciding that “if my friend says something that makes me angry, I will not pick up a fight with her”, reframe your solution into something more general, like, “I will listen intently when my friend is talking.”)
Overall, the solution ought to be simple, specific, and actionable.
Step 3: Keep committed to your solution
Finally, you need to apply this solution to your everyday life.
It is vital that you keep committed to the promise you have made to yourself. You need to actually follow through on whatever it is that you have decided to oppose your regrets with — otherwise, your effort will have been futile. It is also crucial that you keep committed not just for the following week but for the rest of your life (until, if ever, a solution no longer works for you due to your changing values or goals).
Eventually, you will see yourself improving, one small step at a time — and though you will always end up making certain decisions that cause regret, you can feel safe in knowing that you will be there very soon to solve it.
Arguably, the purpose of regret is to help you move forward.
But all too often, it can feel disarming. A sense of shame and guilt makes it difficult to change aspects of yourself that you regret so deeply. Eventually, this lack of correct action gives you even more ample reason to feel regret.
Fortunately, there is a way to transform this regret into growth:
- Step 1: Identify your most significant regret
- Step 2: Find a simple solution to your regret
- Step 3: Follow through on your solution
This method is short and easy: and I only regret not having used it sooner.
