How to Be Honest Without Being Rude

Honesty is often interchanged with rudeness.

After all, many honest opinions and truthful statements have been shared to the detriment the receiver, whose messy hair or poor presentation skills have been highlighted with ridicule or pointed accusation. Therefore, some people say that honesty isn’t worth it. That it comes at too high of a price.

I disagree. You should always be honest, as it is the right thing to do. It is possible to be straightforward and true without making you actually rude.

Indeed, this aim can be attained by following one simple rule.

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The Difference Between Honesty and Rudeness

Before the rule, we must distinguish between honesty and rudeness.

When you are bringing a piece of information to someone else’s attention, you need to consider the content of that opinion and the context behind its sharing.

Firstly, why an opinion is told at all matters greatly:

• Honesty comes from a motive to elevate and support the receiver by equipping them with valuable knowledge and insight (ex. informing your colleague before the meeting that they have a stain on their shirt)
• Rudeness comes from a motive to push down the receiver by pointing out their shortcomings or even misusing them (ex. making fun of your colleague’s stained shirt, or mentioning it in front of everyone else)

Secondly, when an opinion is shared also matters:

• Honesty is essential (ex. always being honest about things with your partner). The truth may sometimes sting, but it is the only way forward.
• Rudeness is unwarranted (ex. disturbing or yelling at your partner). Some opinions are not worth sharing if they do more harm than good.

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Thirdly, how an opinion is communicated might have consequences:

• When you are honest, you are mature, considerate, and candid (ex. kindly communicating to your friend that they are speaking loudly). Such honesty can build trust between you and the other person.
• When you are rude, you are immature, condescending, and selfish (ex. complaining and laughing at your friend that they are “always so loud”). Such rudeness can sow discomfort and distrust in the other person.

Finally, what an opinion entails might have important implications as well:

• When you are honest, you are maintaining your own boundaries (ex. telling your dinner host that you would rather not be served any meat)
• When you are rude, you are breaching other people’s boundaries (ex. forcing everyone else to accommodate to your own dietary restrictions)

Thus, honesty and rudeness are two different wrappings of the same truth.

There is a difference between (A) being truthful with someone even when it is difficult, and (B) being difficult with someone even when it is the truth. Both instances involve honesty. But one also mainly involves rudeness.

And that is what makes the difference.

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Perception Matters, But Honesty Matters More

Sometimes, your honesty might be seen as a case of rudeness either way.

Even so, it is important to realize that you cannot control another person’s perceptions. Some people will inevitably see your candid remarks as rude and insensitive, like how some people always see kindness as manipulative or ingenuine. It is important to be patient and kind in order to try not to evoke this kind of response (if you didn’t, you would just be rude), but sometimes, the misinterpretation of your claim is inevitable.

What matters is that you keep being honest in the least hurtful way.

The Rule: How to Be Honest Without Being Rude

Fortunately, I have created a simple rule to achieve this:

Whenever you talk, speak only the truth. That way, you remain honest. But then, share only the necessary details and in a constructive manner. That way, you avoid being rude.

• If a friend asks of your opinion about their sweater (which you don’t find very flattering), be honest about it, or at least be sure not to lie. If they don’t seek out your opinion, you don’t have to share it anyway.
• If a colleague wants helpful feedback on their presentation, provide constructive criticism about their structure, bullet points, and layout. Avoid commenting on their spelling mistakes or nervous stammering.

You want to bring their awareness to something that matters, but in a way that is direct and truthful at the same time that it is helpful and warranted.

That is how you become honest without being rude.