How to Become A Better Listener
Relationships of all kinds depend on the ability of each member to listen.
This is the case with parents and children, friends and lovers, managers and employees, therapists and patients. Just like we have a deep need to be heard by others, others have a need to be heard by us. In order to become better conversation partners, therefore, we must practice the art of listening.
Perhaps you could become one of the better listeners in this world of constant chatter.
Listening is different from simply hearing.
In order to listen, you must commit yourself to listening.
You must pay attention to the person, not just the words. You must signal interest, not just nod along. You must be present, patient, and supportive. You must be genuine — not just pretend to be.
You must listen to more than what you hear.
Listen intently, without planning your response.
Commit your attention to the message being spoken.
When you start planning your response in your head, you steer your attention away from the other person and towards yourself. That is not listening patiently. That is waiting impatiently for the other person to finish.
So, wait for your turn. But listen first.
Give empathy, not advice.
Advice-giving is well-intentioned but ultimately hurtful.
It cuts off the emotion and intimacy in the exchange by moving the focus away from the speaker and their concerns, towards the receiver instead. What this advice is intended to say is, “I hear you, and I’m trying to help you.” Instead, it ends up communicating this: “What you are saying is a problem that needs to be fixed. Here’s the solution.”
Indeed, as a previous therapist of mine said, advice is the lowest form of empathy.
Try to understand before being understood yourself.
Healthy communication requires mutual understanding.
Stephen Covey writes, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” By approaching interactions not as opportunities to oppose, manipulate, or convince the other person, but to be supportive and willing to learn, you become a much better listener. Indeed, you do not have to agree with what is being said.
You just have to try to understand.
Talk less about yourself.
Listening more means talking less.
Especially about yourself. Nothing kills a conversation faster than a person rambling on about themselves. Instead, signal interest in what the other is talking about by asking follow-up questions, repeating what they have said, and sharing valuable insight.
Sometimes, silence really is the best indicator of interest.
Do not interrupt.
Interrupting someone is one of the rudest things you can do.
Interruption is the act of trampling on someone else by speaking over them to get your own message across. It signals that what you have to say is more important than what the other person is currently trying to say. As a result, you appear less trustworthy and less able to remain patient.
Whereas interruption dominates, listening cooperates.
Even when others do not listen, keep on listening.
Most people are poor listeners.
Accept that fact and keep on listening anyway. Let those around you be interrupters, advice-givers, and response-planners. You cannot control nor anticipate the behavior of others. You can only control your own.
Others’ shortcomings need not become your own shortcomings.
In the end, you can always choose to become the better listener.
