I Am Scared of Developing A Dependence or Addiction
I am often told that I have strict habits.
No alcohol. No parties. No one-night stands. No porn. No video games. No coffee. No junk food or artificial sweeteners. Limited screen time, minimal daydreaming, and almost no sugar.
To most people, these all sound like restrictions to life’s biggest pleasures.
But to me, they feel more like opportunities. And ways to avoid my biggest fear.
Living a life without these activities enables me to feel in control.
I can choose not to bind myself to external things without inherent meaning. I can act on the basis of long-term fulfillment rather than short-term gratification. I can protect my self-control and achieve a desired future.
Because in a life without alcohol, I am aware and clear-headed.
In a life without social media, I am one to create rather than consume.
In a life without daydreaming, I am able to remain present and focused.
So, I keep away from things, foods, and activities that might turn into addictions down the line. I push down my fleeting temptations. And I substitute these urges for ones that have healthier life outcomes.
Therefore, my desserts after dinner are sugar-free.
My evenings are spent turning pages rather than scrolling.
My screen time always ends when the related task is finished.
I understand why people might find these rules strict.
And they are. Being healthy is not about never allowing room for short-term pleasures, which is something my addiction-averse mind has grossly failed to learn.
After all, I never want to be dependent on an external source of pleasure.
But I also want to eat cake and fantasize about my future. I want to enjoy not just the outcomes of my discipline and pain, but entertain some of life’s indulgences. Otherwise, how can I ever claim that I have enjoyed my time on earth?
No, I will never drink alcohol.
No, I will never eat candy or soda.
No, I will never become someone that I am inherently not.
But perhaps I will eat a waffle once in a while. Or attend a calm and sober social event. Or spend an entire evening reading online book reviews.
I can do that.
As long as I do it by choice and not compulsion, I can challenge that fear.
