If You Don’t Know, Don’t Tell
Secrets are precious.
When one person tells another person something personal and important, they are extending their trust to the other person. They are offering a piece of themselves that has been kept safely hidden inside — and by handing it over, they are choosing to risk that safety because they believe the other person will keep it hidden from others, too. Thus, to uphold someone’s trust — and maintain your own dignity — you should always keep a secret.
This much is obvious.
What may be less obvious, however, is that there are things you should keep to yourself even if they are not explicitly asked to be kept secret.
At the time of writing this, I cannot remember whether I read or heard this piece of advice somewhere, or if it was a rule I made up for myself. Regardless, I think this is such a universally significant principle that I decided to share it with you.
If someone tells you something that is secret, you should never share it.
- “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m getting married.”
- “No one else knows that I applied to law school.”
- “I’ve been going to therapy. Can you keep it a secret?”
The same applies if someone tells you something that might be a secret.
- “I’m getting married”
- “I applied to law school”
- “I’ve been going to therapy”
What if they are really big news, and the person would prefer to be the first to tell anyone else? What if the information is personal, and they want only you to know? Or what if they happen not to want it to be passed around for some other unspoken reason, since it was shared in confidence?
Your safest choice is to simply keep it to yourself.
Worst case, they really, really wanted everyone else to know. But in that case, it is their responsibility to make it clear that you can and should share their news. Best case, you preserve your relationship and their trust in you, and you give them the wonderful opportunity to share their own stories in their own time.
This is not to say that everything must be kept secret.
Sometimes, it would be quite harmless of you to share that someone you know went on a trip to Switzerland, or got a new job at the local hospital. But it is up to you to assess the risks and take the perspective of the person whose story you are sharing, and make the soundest decision from there. If your only reason for telling someone else’s news is that you get to personally enjoy the aspect of sharing them, it might be best to hold your tongue.
If you feel uncertain as to what to do, the rule is simple:
Don’t know? Don’t tell.
