It’s Not About You, It’s About Them
How to Handle Criticism, Both Good and Bad
Criticism is hard.
It is normal to feel shame or guilt when someone confronts us with an uncomfortable truth (or, at least, their perspective of the truth). All too often, though, we react poorly. In an effort to protect our self-image from the imminent potential that we will have to change, we become defensive.
Eventually, we must come to learn that it is not about us, it is about them.
And funnily enough, that notion applies to both valid (warranted or constructive) and non-valid (unwarranted or unconstructive) criticism.
This article does not tackle bullying or relational abuse: just criticism in general.
If the criticism is valid…
Some criticism is warranted.
When someone feels hurt by your behavior (regardless of how reasonable you perceive their reaction to be), they are communicating a problem they have with you. You are in control of your own actions, and it has been your choices on a specific matter that have made them critical of you. This does not mean that they want to punish or push you down: it actually means that they care about you — but they also care about their own boundaries, and it is essential that you change in some way, if you truly respect them too.
Therefore, you need to stop going into defensive mode, and actually listen and try to understand their perspective. No matter how small the issue is, you have hurt them in some way, and you need to take accountability for that. And if you care about respecting their needs and boundaries, you need to take the necessary steps to become a better person.
It is not about you, because it is their perspective and pain that matters.
It is about them, because they are the ones who are hurting the most (not you, no matter how offended you may feel), especially if you do not change.
If the criticism is not valid…
Some criticism is unwarranted.
Comments about things about yourself that you cannot control (like your appearance or bodily functioning) are impossible to adjust to anyway. In a similar vein, negative feedback on your clothes or friends or hobbies refer to inconsequential matters, which are only perceived as harmful to certain individuals because they trigger their own insecurities. Thus, the criticism is meaningless, because there is nothing you can (or need) to change.
Such unconstructive and unwarranted criticism ought to be handled differently. In this case, you have every right to be offended, because the person who truly ought to change for the better is them, not you. In my experience, though, what tends to work best in response to these negative comments is to ignore them and proceed with your day.
It is not about you, because it is not your fault nor responsibility to change.
It is about them, because they are the ones being immature about it.
How you respond to criticism varies based on its nature.
- If the criticism is warranted, the best response would be to change
- If the criticism is unwarranted, the best response would be to ignore it
In other words, you need to decide whether the shortcoming you have been criticized for having, has a negative or neutral/positive impact on your own and others’ lives — and you have to choose a response and adapt from there.
Either way, the worst solution is to become defensive. It is an immature response to someone with valid feedback, and it is fuel for a person who only seeks to hurt you with their unwarranted remarks.
Because in the end, criticism boils down to one thing:
It is not about you, it is about them.
