Stop Apologizing For Your Feelings — Instead, Apologize For Your Actions
Often enough, you’ll hear (or say) phrases like these:
I’m sorry for being jealous. I’m sorry for being angry with you. I’m sorry I was so afraid back there.
Although the meaning behind these sentiments is clear, and their intention admirable, this way of putting blame on your feelings is largely unhelpful — regardless of whether you have indeed done something worth apologizing for or not.
Why is that? Well, for starters…
Your feelings are beyond your control.
No feeling is an inherently bad feeling.
Sure, we have pleasant feelings (like joy) and unpleasant feelings (like anger). But none of them can be seen as either solely good or solely bad. They are all aspects of being human, and it is natural to occasionally experience one or the other as we go through life.
If you have ever attended therapy or read a psychology textbook, or even just had a heart-to-heart with a friend, this much might be obvious to you.
But you might not realize that the opposite claim pervades our language and speech, even in today’s culture of increased focus on mental health.
People have a tendency to apologize for undergoing these completely natural feelings — sensations they can neither remove nor properly control, regardless of how irrational they may seem. They say things like, “I’m sorry for being mad” and, “I’m sorry for being so anxious back there”. Worse still, some people even blame their misconducts on their feelings, claiming that it was simply because they were so angry or afraid or ashamed that they cheated on their partner or raised their voice during a fight.
The truth is, feelings are (at least, very rarely) to blame.
What is to blame — if there even is any reason to do so — is your actions.
Your actions are within your control.
Unlike your feelings, your actions can be of harm.
In his bestselling manifesto on effective living, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey differentiates between the things that are within and outside your sphere of control. Like thoughts and external events, feelings go into the latter category, whereas actions (which are based on your personal decisions) go into the former. Thus, whereas feelings themselves cannot — and should not — be objects of blame or apology, actions can and should.
If there truly is a reason to apologize, people should point toward what they have done (for instance, calling their friend ugly names or shouting in their face) rather than what they have felt (like anger).
After all, two people can feel just as angry — but whereas one might choose to talk to their friend, the other might resort to yelling and name-calling.
I think this idea should also apply to cases where no wrongdoing has been committed. There is no reason for you to apologize for being sad or afraid or whatever else, unless this feeling has manifested itself in your behavior and caused harm to another person. Thus, rather than saying, “I’m sorry for being jealous”, you could simply acknowledge your jealous feelings — and, if you were uncertain as to whether those feelings inspired behavior that made any harm, you could say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry if I let my jealousy influence my actions” or “I’m sorry if I took my jealousy out on you”.
At the end of the day, your feelings are not to blame.
Your actions are.
