The Single Question You Should Ask Yourself If Someone Is Frustrating You

Chances are, someone in your life is frustrating you.

Your friend talks less and less to you. Your child refuses to share their concerns with you. Your colleague takes advantage of your kindness to receive less work themselves, while your own workload increases.

All these — and many more — are valid reasons to feel frustrated and upset.

But while your feelings are always (yes, always) valid, they do not always produce the healthiest perceptions of the situation and how to go about it. As a therapist of mine once said, emotions are natural reactions that go beyond rational reasoning. Even so, they should not dictate what you decide to do in a specific situation, as if you were a puppet on strings.

Your frustration is valid, but your perceptions and actions may be skewed.

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In The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, lifestyle and habit expert Stephen Covey (supported by later additions to the book by Sean Covey) asserts the following principle: You should only seek to control that which you do have control over. Put shortly, this is because your focus is much better spent on the areas of your current circumstances that you may indeed influence and improve, rather than on the ones that you are unable to change anyway. If you put effort into doing what you can do to change your situation (in your mindset and your actions), your efforts may be so constructive that they lead to the situation improving, either directly or indirectly.

As it happens, other people’s behavior is outside of your control. What this means is that if someone, for whatever reason, is making you frustrated, it is not within your own power to change that behavior — because at the end of the day, they are not a puppet on your strings. However, it is within your power, as the aforementioned Coveys write, to focus on your own behavior — because regardless of what you are thinking or feeling in the moment, you can choose to take the most constructive steps you know to improve your situation (and so, it is your responsibility to change if you want the situation to change also).

Thus, the question you should ask yourself (which I will explain soon) is:

What can I do to change the current situation?

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Of course, I am not talking about abusive relationships or similar inhuman or psychologically tormenting circumstances. These would be beyond my education and experience to cover, and so I restrict myself to situations like the ones in the examples above. Still, keep in mind that I am not an expert — merely a student!

Now, this responsibility applies to you whether you are to blame or not.

You may feel frustrated at someone for a really good reason (like if a friend is repeatedly ignoring your messages). Sometimes, others’ behavior is very warranted, and in these cases, it is not hard to see where the responsibility lies most heavily (for example, if your friend is ignoring you because you yelled at them last week). Yes, even if their own actions may not be the most constructive ones to take à la Covey’s principle, you must remember that you can only change your own behavior and not theirs — and that you still have a responsibility to focus on what you can do if you want to improve the situation.

But even if their behavior seems unreasonable (for example, if your friend is ignoring you for no apparent reason), you still have that responsibility — yes, even if, in fact, none of it is your fault.

Since you cannot expect the situation to change by someone else’s hand, you have to take the burden on yourself if you wish to improve it. Thus, the most helpful and valuable thing you can do is to look within yourself and ask, “What can I do?” Whether it is a change of mindset or action, the best way forward is the best way forward.

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Here are some examples (heavily inspired by Covey’s book):

• If your friend keeps ignoring you, ask yourself if there is something you may be doing that causes them to put such distance between you. Might your intrusiveness be upsetting them further, and might your obsession over them make it harder for you to reconcile with their silence? Could they have met someone who makes them feel happier than you can (even if this is unfair)?
• If your child holds secrets from you or refuses to share their concerns, ask yourself if there is something you may be doing that causes them to feel such distrust toward you. Do they perhaps have reason from past experiences to expect punishment from you if they tell you? Or could they be going through a period of increased independence from you (even if this is unfair)?
• If your colleague misuses your kindness, ask yourself if there is something you may be doing that causes them to perpetuate their misconduct. Are you actually letting them step on your needs by not asserting any boundaries? Could it be that you are simply the kindest person in the office, and that they are using this positive trait to their own benefit (even if this is unfair)?

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Even if your conclusion is just “they are a bad friend” or “a manipulative person” (which they very well might be), your question remains the same:

What can I do?

• Maybe you can accept that your friend may have left and try to get in touch with another person to hang out with? Maybe you can give your friend some space? Maybe you can get your family’s opinion on the matter?
• Perhaps you can stop pressing the matter with your child, and let them come to you in their own time? Perhaps you can smile more or become more soft-spoken, to show them in other ways that you are a safe person to consult? Perhaps you can entrust some of your own concerns with them, without expecting anything in return?
• Maybe you can work out what your boundaries are and take steps to make them clear to other people? Maybe you can talk to your coworker about your issue with them, or ask them of a favor in return for your help? Maybe you can inform your boss of what is going on, or seek out a counselor, therapist, or HR representative for a professional opinion on the matter?

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None of this is easy — and frustrating situations are often difficult to solve.

But your alternative is to let that frustration control you, and to blame them for the situation that may very well be of your own making. Even if there is little actual blame to be placed on you, it is best to take matters into your own hands and turn the situation around in a way that would be most helpful, if you wish for it to be improved. If that means ending a friendship, so be it.

At least you are doing what you can to improve your situation.

With that kind of mindset, you will have all the more power over your life than your circumstances will have over you.